Emotional difficulties

The title really says it all. I struggle with some emotional difficulties, and it is taking its tolls at me from time to time.
It is quite clear to me what caused these difficulties, the “root cause” per say, but still. I think that the biggest issue i face, is that i struggle to actually get past this.

It is hard to be vulnerable. To walk into a relation with your heart wide open. Clear as day. For some people, it might even be hard to be their real selves. To actually be their character. That struggle is real, and it can affect most of what makes you into the person you are today. i face that.

I can only speak for myself, but i believe that many share this with me. I have built different “personas”, or personalities, that all sums up to being me. Some of them got created to protect the real me, who perhaps wasn’t validated, or got mocked. Some of them to simply survive and evolve. And a bunch in between.

This might be a part of the continuous development of our personalities… We humans never stop to evolve in many ways, and this might be one of those never-stopping evolutions. It is strange, and it is confusing. I know myself, at the same time, i don’t. I hurt people. I know what i am capable of, and what i should and shouldn’t do. Yet, here i am. Totally aware of what i am doing, able to stop - stil not stopping.

Toying with hearts and emotions. I would’ve hated it being done to me, and honestly, it would break me. It did once before, and it would certainly do it again. Is this a theory though? Broken hearts, go onwards - breaking other hearts? Like an infection - spreading, causing havoc and ruin wherever it goes - just because it is infected? The sickness spreads.

I am not getting any younger. I am somewhat happy with my life - but i am not proud. Far from proud. I am impressed, but not proud. At least - i am not in line with what were my goals. Rewind 10 years, and the outlook on my life was totally different. All of it. Funny thing, time. Funny thing.

John